Not Sure What You Want? Here's What Might Be in the Way

“I don’t know what I want.” 

Whenever I hear this phrase (and I hear it a lot as a coach) … I know it’s time to get curious. 

I’ve said it before, but what I’ve found is that everyone knows what they want. 

Desire, joy and direction is inside each of us. 

The thing is that it often gets obscured. 

Lately, in my coaching conversations, I’ve been playing with an image, as a way of explaining what often stands between us and our knowing what we want.

Here’s what I see:

In your mind's eye, you’re trying to bring into focus what it is that you want, and what to do next, but you just can’t make it out. 

A gauzy curtain waves in front of you, moving as if by some breeze, but refusing to part and to reveal to you what’s ahead. 

Can you see it?

First, I want you to know that the curtain will part, and what you really want will be revealed to you. 

But before we get there, I want to share some common reasons why that curtain might be obscuring what’s next for you. 

Reason #1: It’s been a long time (or never) since you gave yourself the opportunity to do what you want.

There are a lot of experiences in life that can keep our own desires and direction submerged.

Maybe you took that high paying (but badly fitting) job because of wider societal and cultural representations of success.

Or maybe you were responding to parent and family expectations when you chose your field of study and profession that you knew they would approve.

You may have been told, subtly or explicitly, that your desires or sense of direction didn’t count.

Sometimes the forces that led us to where we are now, have simply not been examined.

I often hear from clients: I got here in life (or my career) because I followed whatever opportunities came my way that seemed good. It was haphazard, rather than intentional.

If this is you … 

Acknowledge first that following your inner sense of direction is new for you, or it’s been a long time. You’re stretching yourself, so add some patience and understanding to your process.

Then, start to get curious about what happened for you that got you here.

Understand that going forward in a more intentional way will get you stretching and growing and that it might feel scary or risky.

Collect clues about your way forward by recalling what’s always interested you (such as from childhood) or what has recently piqued your interest.

Following your interests will never lead you astray.

Reason #2: You haven’t made peace with past mistakes, misfortunes, or characterizations

Sometimes what’s most holding us back is a story, or a collection of stories.

We all have stories. They help us to understand and make meaning from what’s happened to us.

But sometimes they become outdated, or just plain unhelpful if we want to move forward. 

“I’d really like to move up a level at work. But why did they pick Regina for that promotion last year instead of me? 

It’s important to also recognize that other people also have stories about us that can also be unhelpful when we want to stretch toward what we really want. 

“You wouldn’t be good at running your own business because you’ve never been very good at managing your own time.” 

If this is you …

First of all, celebrate that you do know what you want, you’re just not letting yourself embrace it … yet. 

Grab a piece of paper and write down some of the beliefs and stories that you have about what you’d really like to do. 

Now, where did those come from? Is there someone in your life who you feel upholds them?

How could you reframe that belief?

How could you rewrite that story? 

Also, avoid trying to determine if the belief or story is true. Instead, ask if it’s helpful.

This idea is from The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris. Harris explains,

“In ACT [Acceptance and Commitment Therapy], whether a thought is true is not that important. Far more important is whether it’s helpful. Truthful or not, thoughts are nothing more than words. If they’re helpful words, then it’s worth paying attention to them. If they’re not helpful, then why bother?” 

Another way to approach this is by using a growth mindset rather than a fixed one, an idea from psychologist Carol Dweck.

A fixed mindset would stick with “I wouldn’t be successful at running my own business because I’m bad at managing my time.”

A growth mindset would say instead, “To start my own business I’d have to figure out how to improve how I manage my time. I wonder how I start working on that?” 

Pay attention to what is helpful about your stories, and what you could do to learn from them and continue to change. Watch out for thoughts or stories playing on repeat that keep you fixed and stuck.

Reason #3: You’re too tired and discouraged

Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, I’ve noticed levels of burnout going up all around me, unfortunately.

It’s becoming more common that my clients say they can’t see what’s ahead because they are tired.

And because they are tired, they are also discouraged and feel less confident that what they want exists, and is still accessible and possible for them. 

If this is you … 

Burnout can create a very thick curtain and obscure the right path forward!

But again, trust that it’s still there waiting for you. 

First, you need to rest. How much rest will you need before you can start to see what’s right for you and your next steps? That’s going to vary a lot. It’s different for everyone.

On an intuitive level, how much rest do you think you need?

If you come up with an ideal amount of time to rest and it seems too high, first explore it before dismissing it.

There are lots of creative ways to take time off without it breaking the bank or derailing your career. 

If taking time off really won’t work for you, or if you have an additional 24/7 job like raising children or caregiving for an elderly parent, identify your key sources of stress and see how you might start to bring them down.

How can you create more energizing or restful periods of time for you?

Where can you find more support?

What can you let go of or delegate?

Where can you create some radical boundaries? 

Your recovery process might go slower than you’d like, but you can get there, especially if you give yourself some extra self-compassion. 

Access your wisdom

While what you want now and in the future might be obscured by that gauzy curtain, I do want to reassure you that it IS there.

Your desires and vision are an essential part of you, you may just need to begin practicing how to tap into them and take direction from them. 

If what you want is obscured, it often means there is some healing work to do before it comes to light.

Just remember to be patient. We never know how long healing will take, and what more it might bring. That’s part of the journey too. 

Learning to tap into your own inner knowing about what you want and what path aligns with you is one of the most beneficial things you can learn though, leading the way to a life of greater purpose, joy and impact.