In Each Stage of Crisis, Be Gentle With Yourself

It's been hard for me to write or post on social media these last couple of weeks, because there is so much going on.

Emotions, ideas, realities ... it all fluctuates so fast, that I find it hard to pin one down to share.

So then it all keeps flowing on and away from me -- and I don't like how that feels either.

To begin today then, I want to simply share an observation that's been helpful to me, and that is to notice the stages of crisis, and be gentle with yourself through them all.

Spain, where I live, has been in lockdown since March 14.

In the intervening weeks, there has been something comforting in observing that we do get through difficult moments. They do pass. We do adapt.

New challenges come, and we face those too.

Another important thing to remember as we pass through these stages is to show ourselves care and grace and patience every step of the way. We are grappling with a lot.

Here's what I've noticed about my own stages:

WEEK 1: My whole being was on high alert. My body felt charged up in a fight or flight response for the first couple of days.

I was made super aware of how anxious I was when our daughter started asking every hour or less, "What's that noise?!" We live in the most peaceful, safest countryside imaginable. Yet, I was experiencing it like I was walking down dark basement stairs in a horror movie. She was picking up on that.

During that week, I picked up my phone compulsively to check the news and social media. To see what was happening, to see how everyone else was reacting.

Reality had shifted in a big way -- there was an invisible threat out there (the virus) and everything in town had shut down, everyone locked away inside, and I was trying to understand: What was this new reality? Was it okay? Was it bad? What did it mean? Were such extreme actions justified or was this insanity? It felt like a bad dream I couldn't wake from.

The news coming out of Italy hit me the hardest, emotionally. I was aggrieved to hear of their medical professionals' fight and sacrifice in such a tough situation, and with the idea of people dying away from their loved ones. I worried a lot about Spain arriving in a similar or worse situation (which unfortunately it has).

I worried that I hadn't stocked up enough on food -- we'd heard about panicked shoppers -- and that the supermarket shelves would be bare.

I was alone a lot with our small children. Because my husband is a farmer, his work is considered an essential service and he had a lot of work to do that week.

I relied heavily on this meditation to get my internal reactions back on a more even-keeled place for my own health, and so I could also be there for my family and for my clients, most of whom were just starting to feel the shock of this crisis in their own lives.

The first Sunday, after a week of confinement, was the worst. That morning, my children and I walked to the property line of our farm, looking toward our town of 20,000 people. My daughter loves to hear the church bell ring, and it did, clanging over the eerily still town.

We stood there for several long minutes, and I didn't see a single vehicle pass on the freeway below. I struggled not to show my children how much it unnerved me.

WEEK 2: It was better. Still tough, but better. My husband went grocery shopping and everything was on the shelves as usual. That was a relief.

I was able to check in with nearly all my clients and see where they were at. It was hard to hear about all the ways this crisis was affecting them and their loved ones. At the same time, it was also inspiring to witness their strength, resilience and care for others, and to simply be together.

My husband and I developed a daily routine that is helping us to hold it together -- so our two toddlers are doing okay, even without their usual social contacts, and so that we can get our work done and take care of ourselves without the extra support we usually have of daycare and grandparents.

Key elements of that routine is: 1) When you're with the kids, be with the kids. Full attention, ready to play and engage. Phone away and don't multitask (whenever possible), or it goes to hell. 2) Take them outside once in the morning and once in the afternoon, rain or shine.

On that last one, we are so lucky we don't live in an apartment. Spain's lockdown is so strict that people aren't allowed in the street for exercise. The families who live in apartments have it really tough. We stick close to the house.

If in the first week I worried about our immediate survival, then the second week I worried about the longer term concerns of what would happen with the economy.

What would happen to the agricultural markets for my husband? What would happen with my small business?

I saw so many people responding quickly on social media with new services and offerings and felt pressure to contribute as well. Yet, I had to also acknowledge my limitations. We now have two young kids to take care of at home. And everyone in our household is tender and need lots of support adjusting to all this.

Part of what helped give me peace around that was to allow myself time and trust that I will find the right thing to do in this, at the right time, and in the right way. I don't have to rush to hustle. It's going to be healthier to take time to adjust to all this.

It's a lot for me.

It's a lot for you.

It's a lot for all of us.

Other things that helped were to:

>> Check the covid-19 news for only an hour in the evening (not first thing in the morning, and not all day).

>> Connect with loved ones. We average two family calls and one friend video call a day. It's a lot. We have a lot of people we want to be with and support in this time. What helps is to accept that not every call will be perfect, or lengthy. Sometimes it's only 10 minutes. It's enough to just share some silly thing the kids are doing, or to check in and see how it's going.

>> Date nights at home. Sometimes my husband and I make ourselves a fancy G&T or watch a fun show, and those are the best nights. On Friday, we did a free couples yoga class on Facebook live and giggled a lot.

>> Journal. Astronaut Scott Kelly, who spent a year at the International Space Station, included writing in a journal among his tips for dealing with isolation, and that was a good reminder to me to do it more often.

>> Feel all the feelings. I lived through 9/11 in New York City. I lived in lockdown when working in Port-au-Prince, after violent protests broke out over Haiti's post-earthquake elections in late 2010. The former introduced me to mild symptoms of PTSD, the latter hit me harder. In this crisis, I want to relate to my emotions in a healthier way and help make space for others around me to have their own emotions (this is hard, and so important). This article "Trauma-Proofing Yourself" by therapist Bridget Geraghty, a Portland friend, offered a helpful way to start thinking about how to do that.

Another thing that brought me so much joy (and relief) this last week is that a dear friend gave birth to her second child, a son. She's already out of the hospital and at home with her sweet newborn. An easy, uncomplicated birth was such welcome good news.

This is the start of our third week of lockdown. With this week, I don't know what the next stage of this crisis will bring me, my clients, my local community, or the country.

Spain, like Italy and New York, is desperately struggling with the collapse of its medical systems. The situation is heart-wrenching.

I hang on to this practice of noticing that there are stages to this, and that we are getting through them. I feel immensely relieved that I'm still not living in that amped up state that I was our first week of lockdown, when everything was so surreal and uncertain.

We can adapt to tough situations. We can still find joy, beauty, and opportunity within them. There will be other stages, perhaps even harder than these, and we'll get through those too.

We can prepare for them now and cope with them along the way, making choices to take care of ourselves and help others.

Is there any way that I can be of support to you?

I'm here to offer coaching for you. Whether it's simply continuing to send these emails, being with you as you talk through what's happening in your life, or making sense of what to do next with your plans and dreams within this whole new reality.

Wherever you're at, I'm here for you, and am happy to offer my coaching on a sliding scale if that's what you need right now too.

Be in touch anytime.