Why We Avoid Uncomfortable Conversations, And How to Have Them Anyway (Part I)
Have you ever been in a situation where you know you need to have a tough conversation, but you’re a little afraid of the response you might get? Whether you’re quitting your job, moving across the world, or making a dream a reality, you have to tell the people in your personal and professional life, even if you might feel uncomfortable going into the conversation. Effective communication is key when you’re about to take a leap.
In today’s episode, I’m sharing how to stay the course on your leap, tools I use with my clients, and the three most common reasons we avoid tough conversations as well as why you should have them anyway. And I’m encouraging you to be brave and have those tough talks so that you can continue to flourish and grow.
This is your life and your leap. I’m here to empower you to take that next step by giving you the tools to speak truthfully and openly with those in your life.
In this episode, you’ll learn...
[03:52] The importance of engaging in effective communication when you are on the precipice of a leap
[06:04] Why you shouldn’t let other people’s opinions keep you from taking risks and doing what you really want to do
[07:10] Media training tools that I use to help my clients with effective communication
[09:10] Three common reasons we avoid uncomfortable conversations, and why you want to bravely have them anyway
This season is all about the different kinds of leaps you can make in your life. If you’re looking for habits and tools to keep you going after your leap, be sure to tune into this episode.
Links mentioned in this episode…
Episode #28: Leaving Teaching for a New Career in EdTech with Raven Wilson
This American Life Episode 184
Transcript of Episode 38: Why We Avoid Uncomfortable Conversations, And How to Have Them Anyway (Part I)
[00:00:00] Lisa Hoashi When I was getting ready to take my leap of taking a year long sabbatical. I was extremely nervous about telling other people about my decision, even though at the moment that I was preparing for these conversations, I was working in communications. I had held roles in both external and internal communications and in very high pressure contexts near conflict zones, natural disasters, and the C-suite of boardroom. And I had a major aha moment when I realized that I could use all this experience to communicate my own leap and keep going to have my own tough conversations that allowed me to have the much more happy and aligned life that I have today.
[00:00:47] Welcome to Leap Like Me, the podcast that helps you to be bold in life, to stretch what's possible and find more adventure, joy and purpose along the way. I'm your host, Lisa Hoashi. I'm a life coach who can help if you're ready to take a new, more authentic direction in life. On Leap Like Me, we share the inspiring stories of people like you who have made a brave leap and offer practical tips for how to set your leap in motion, too. Let's get started.
[00:01:25] What conversations make you feel nervous? Which ones would you rather avoid? I'm Lisa Hoashi. I'm a life and career coach and the host of Leap Like Me. Before becoming a coach, I worked in communications, so I have a lot of ideas and expertize when it comes to how to approach brave conversations, especially if these are the conversations that you need to have to take your leap. This is the first time I've shared such a comprehensive round up of my personal communications approach and strategies, and I'm so excited to get started today. I have so much to share on this topic, in fact, that we had to split this episode into two parts.
[00:02:10] Today for part one, we are talking about how important it is that you keep working on your ability to have tough conversations if you want to live a life that really expresses you and your values. We're going to talk about why some conversations seem so hard and what a huge impact it can have on your life when you can successfully get through them instead of avoiding them. Then in the second part of this episode, I'm going to give you seven practical steps that will help you prepare for any tough conversation, and especially for those that are about you and any leap that you'd like to take in life. So stay tuned. That will be released separately from this episode. For today, I hope you leave with a greater awareness of which conversations you might be avoiding and why, and some good reasons why it's important that you go ahead with them anyway.
[00:03:10] So here's one quick footnote that for both episodes before we get started in these episodes, we will often be talking about those conversations where you need to share something important or break some big news about yourself with someone whose opinion matters to you. However, many of the ideas here can be applied to different situations. Conversations to resolve a conflict, to express an opinion or conviction, or even to persuade someone or get them on board. I invite you to approach these ideas with an open mind and think about where they might be relevant and where you can apply them in your own life.
[00:03:52] All right. So let's get started with a common scenario in my work. You are so close to taking your leap. It could be that you've decided to move to a new city, and it's time to break the news to your family and friends. It could be that you've decided to make a career switch, and it's time to tell your boss and colleagues. It could be that you're taking a sabbatical break and it's time to tell everybody at work and your family and friends. Now, sometimes people are just plain excited and happy to take their leap and have no problem announcing their news to the world. I'm thinking here and remembering our guest, Raven Wilson, on episode 28, who we interviewed about her leap, which was going from being a teacher to working in EdTech. And it had taken her a lot of time and a lot of work. But when she finally got her new job and can put in her notice at her school, she said, I'm not going to lie. I was very excited when I got the job. I'm like, Yes, bye everyone.
[00:05:02] But this is not the case with everyone. And it definitely wasn't the case with me when I was getting ready to take my leap of taking a year long sabbatical. I was extremely nervous about telling other people about my decision, even though at the moment that I was preparing for these conversations, I was working in communications. I had held roles in both external and internal communications and in very high pressure contexts near conflict zones, natural disasters, and the C-suite boardroom. I had given interviews on radio, NBC television and even took NPR's Jason Beaubien and Nicholas Kristof from The New York Times around post-earthquake Haiti. And I had a major aha moment when I realized that I could use all this experience to communicate my own leap and keep going to have my own tough conversations that allowed me to have the much more happy and aligned life that I have today.
[00:06:04] I want to share all of this with you, because I've learned that if you can get better and be more consistent at having conversations that make you nervous but are the right ones for you to have, they will improve your life and help you grow. What's tragic is if the fear of telling other people about the risks that you want to take in life keeps you from doing them at all. We have to counteract that. Now, on the surface, it may seem silly or like I'm exaggerating about how often this happens. Like, who would be so worried about what other people think that they wouldn't do something that they really want to? But this is so common. I've worked with more than 75 people through their leaps, and it's more common of a concern than anyone would let on. And this isn't even counting the people I know in my personal life. So often we don't even realize it about ourselves because we buried that fear beneath all the other reasons or excuses about why we're not making a change in our life.
[00:07:10] I often bring my expertize from my communications career to my coaching to help my clients. We'll use a session like media training for an upcoming conversation. And here are some recent situations where this helped. A client was ready to quit his job and take a four month sabbatical. His job had given him many opportunities and had really shaped who he was. He had been there a long time and he was really grateful and he was also ready to move on. He was scared of his boss's reaction. They were very close and he was afraid to let her down. So we worked on a script that he could use just to get through that conversation. And he did it. He took his break and recently started a new job that was a better fit for him.
[00:07:56] Another client has been trying to find a full time job in her very niche field, wanted to approach someone she had met at a conference as a potential mentor. We worked on an email to ask this contact for a meeting and the potential mentor agreed to the meeting and is now making an introduction for my client at her company. Another client was ready to leave a job to make a career switch and she was gearing up to see a lot of her colleagues at an internal company event. She was going to have to break her news to many of them and even say goodbye to some of them. We worked on how she would explain her departure so she could begin the process of saying goodbye. And it wasn't easy. She reported later, and she would have liked to have done it better. But she did it and it was over, and she can now focus on her break.
[00:08:46] These are all uncomfortable conversations. They take courage and as you can see from the results, they can have a huge impact on the direction of your life. I want to invite you to pause a moment and think about the last time you knew you needed to have a conversation with someone and you put it off or avoided it. Think about your reasons for not doing it. Here are three common reasons why we avoid uncomfortable conversations and some of the reasons why you might want to bravely have them anyway. All right.
[00:09:21] Here's reason number one, why we might be tempted to avoid a conversation. Fallout. It's as simple as that. We worry about the consequences. We fear facing someone's displeasure or anger with us. I know this one quite well. It really can have a lot to do with your family dynamics growing up and what you learned early on. I came from a household that avoided conflict and didn't communicate well and waited until it all came out in one big outburst. And as I got older, I realized from my friendships and romantic relationships that this was something I didn't want. It wasn't healthy. I wanted to unlearn it and learn a different way. So I've worked for years to be brave. Bravery is one of my core values. To me, choosing bravery means doing the right thing, even when it feels hard. And communication is often an area of bravery for me.
[00:10:20] So here's the thing about fallout. It can definitely happen. People can get angry and displeased. But it's important to remember that our fears are often worse than the reality. And even if the worst does happen, we will survive. When I was in my early twenties, when I gave notice to a boss, she actually ordered me into a conference room so she could yell at me. Worse yet, it was a family business and she had her husband come in so they could both yell at me. I now realize this was seriously messed up and unsafe and I never should have gone into a closed door conference room with them. But guess what? Even though literally the worst case scenario happened, I survived. I'm here. I'm okay. And an important lesson learned about how to protect myself in the future. It can be painful to have people get mad at you or be disappointed, but it's important to remember that it's not all about you. They have their own things going on and it's your life and you get to do what's right for you. Sometimes when we make an important change in life, people aren't going to come along with us. They aren't ready. They don't want to. They don't understand. And maybe even they'll come around later.
[00:11:42] All right. Reason number two, why we might want to avoid a conversation. We worry about what people think of us. We fear their judgment. If you have a history of people pleasing, this can be a big one. If you have a history of feeling like you need to prove your worth through achievement and other people's approval. Then even your sense of self-worth can be impacted by what others think of you. This is another one that comes up big, depending on your background and family of origin. It's huge for me with my Asian background, and if you might have to. We Worry about whether people will think we're foolish, ridiculous, arrogant, an imposter. The list goes on forever. So here's the thing I'm not going to say. I'm not going to say stop caring what people think. That is so packed. It's so easy to say and difficult to do. When I read sassy quotes of celebrities who have stopped caring what other people think, I'm skeptical. Maybe they've achieved it, but more likely they're still working toward it. Right? I feel like the best thing we can do is make some progress.
[00:12:54] What I do feel like what we can all work on, though, again, is bravery. One of the ways that I have found to be able to work toward it is again through bravery to get myself to do the things that are hard. Because I know it's important for me and other people to give it a social purpose. I think that one of the places where I got this idea from was an episode I heard in College of This American Life. So now it's a podcast. Back then it was a radio show and I definitely listened to it on the radio, and it was an episode with Mr. Rogers. It was episode 184. If you want to check it out. And it was on Neighbors, of course. So this episode was recorded a few years before Mr. Rogers died. And so you were able to hear him respond to some of the questions that the producers of the show put to him and different about different scenarios.
[00:13:54] And one of the questions they asked him was they asked him how he would approach a neighbor if their loud music was bothering them. How would they approach that neighbor to go talk to them about that? And I was living in New York City at the time, and I could relate to how hard it felt to bring a complaint to a neighbor in my somewhat rough Brooklyn apartment building. And here's what Mr. Rogers said. I can tell you what I would hope I would do. I would hope that I would be brave enough to visit. It's so easy to condemn when we don't know. And if I would visit you and find out that you're a reasonable person, I could tell you about my sensitivities and see if it would make any difference to you. The interviewer then asked Mr. Rogers what he thought it was that made people afraid to have conversations like this. He said, Perhaps we think that we won't find another human being inside that person. Perhaps we think that, oh, there maybe are people in the world who I can't ever communicate with, and so I'll just give up before I try. And how sad it is to think that we would give up on any other creature who's just like us. I think he's right that the ultimate fear we have about judgment is that someone just won't get us. Maybe they won't. But it's really important to try.
[00:15:20] Lastly, here's reason number three why I think we find conversations hard. It's about risk and vulnerability. I think it's really because they're about things that we're still uncertain about within ourselves and about ourselves. We might feel unsettled inside, and it's making us question our own judgment. And that uncertainty might make us feel like it's too early to act, that we should wait for certainty before we speak to others. We might feel afraid of failure. We might feel afraid of what it means for us to say something. It might represent a shift in our identity. It might be a first time that we're taking a stand for our ideas and decisions. You can't always wait for 100% certainty before you make a move in life, though, you'd never get anywhere. So what this comes down to ultimately is about your relationship to risk.
[00:16:16] Yes. Tough conversations can be risky. They can leave us feeling vulnerable. Brené Brown, who has centered her work around the study of vulnerability, says staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection. She also writes in her book, Daring Greatly. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path. Vulnerability, I'd also say, is the birthplace of growth. Representing yourself more authentically in your conversations is going to stretch you. You're going to experience growth. And every time you do it, you're going to feel more capable and confident in doing so. Commit to taking some risks that are good for you and take you closer to an authentic expression of yourself, including in your conversations.
[00:17:29] Today we talked about these three big underlying reasons why we might choose to avoid a tough conversation. I want to share those with you in part to let you know that if you saw yourself reflected in any of this, you're not alone. And also to help you be aware of whether any of these things might be holding you back. Having a life that is self-directed and intentional requires that we get better at these conversations. And the truth is, many people take a life path that is not quite right for them because they're afraid to speak up, afraid to take a stand. And because it feels easier to please others. The truth is, many people take a life path that is not quite right for them because they're afraid to speak up, afraid to take a stand on their own ideas and dreams, afraid to rock the boat and because it feels easier to please others. So if you want to make the shift to a life that better expresses you and your values, start cultivating the communication skills that will help you get there.
[00:18:39] In part two of this episode, I'm going to share with you seven practical steps to prepare for one of these conversations. So get out on the other side and can see what it does for you, your sense of freedom and agency, your life and the lives of those around you. Tune in to the next episode of Leap Like Me for all that good stuff.
[00:19:02] Hey, everyone, it's Lisa here, and thank you for listening to this episode of Leap Like Me. If you're at your own crossroads moment in life and are ready to get clear on your next direction, there are a lot of ways I can help. This is why I have my catalyst coaching program. Go to LisaHoashi.com for more. Until next time, be bold and take good care.
