Why We Avoid Uncomfortable Conversations, And How to Have Them Anyway (Part 2)
This episode is part two on bravely having tough conversations. Click here to listen to part one.
If you listened to my last episode, you know that tough conversations like breaking the news about an upcoming job change to your employers and family are necessary for growth, and choosing to have them can be an act of bravery. And perhaps now you’re ready to have these talks about moving on, going forward, and making changes in your professional and personal life… But you’re not exactly sure how to begin the actual conversation.
So, today I’m sharing seven practical tools to help you have the conversation and say what you want without getting derailed. Being prepared and having a plan before you walk into these conversations can help you to feel confident and empowered.
At the end of the day, you can’t control all of your circumstances, but you can control your reactions, your energy, and the way you approach the big moments in your life, tough conversations included. I’m here to give you encouragement and help you stay the course so you can bravely open up to those in your life.
In this episode, you’ll learn...
[06:06] Why you should set intentions for your conversations, and consider the risks and payoffs in advance
[09:56] How to create a simple top line message and write talking points to help you steer the conversation
[17:53] Why practicing what you’re going to say will help alleviate your nerves, and the benefits of role-playing the conversation
[20:39] How preparing yourself energetically helps keep you in the right frame of mind
[22:56] Celebrate the fact that you did the difficult and brave thing, no matter what happens
This season is all about the different kinds of leaps you can make in your life. If you’re looking for habits and tools to keep you going after your leap, be sure to tune into this episode.
Links mentioned in this episode…
Hardwiring Happiness by Dr. Rick Hanson
Episode #35: Finding Your Authentic Voice with Elissa Weinzimmer
Transcript of Episode 39: Why We Avoid Uncomfortable Conversations, And How to Have Them Anyway (Part 2)
[00:00:00] Lisa Hoashi The prospect of moving ahead with this decision publicly was so scary that I faltered even on whether I should go through with it. It was an aha moment when I realized that I could use my communications, know how for these more personal and seemingly even more high stakes conversations. Once I realized that I was able to go ahead with these conversations, discover that my fears were often worse than reality and experience true freedom as I went ahead with what I deeply desired for my life.
[00:00:40] Welcome to Leap Like Me, the podcast that helps you to be bold in life, to stretch what's possible and find more adventure, joy and purpose along the way. I'm your host, Lisa Hoashi. I'm a life coach who can help if you're ready to take a new, more authentic direction in life. On Leap like me, we share the inspiring stories of people like you who have made a brave leap and offer practical tips for how to set your leap in motion, too. Let's get started.
[00:01:18] Hello, everyone. Welcome. I'm Lisa Hoashi, and I'm a life and career coach and the host of Leap Like Me. Today, I'm so excited to continue with part two of our episode on Brave Conversations and give you tons of tips for how to prepare for any conversation that makes you nervous, including those that you might need to have in order to take your leap. In Part one, the prior episode number 38, I shared what can make a conversation seem tough. What fears are often behind them and what situations they often come up in. I also talked about the importance of these conversations and how avoiding them can hold you back from living the life you really want. I shared how I often apply what I learned from my previous career in communications to my own tough conversations and to support my clients in a whole variety of situations. If you haven't heard Part one yet, I highly recommend that you go back and listen to it first. However, I will say that this episode is also totally valid and can stand alone.
[00:02:34] So just as a recap, the previous episode was all about the why tough conversations are important, and today is all about the how. I'm going to give you seven practical steps that will help you prepare for any tough conversation, especially the ones that are about you and any leap that you want to take in life. By the end of today's episode, you'll have some simple techniques for preparing for these tough conversations that you can put into practice right away. And I mentioned this in part one, but it's worth repeating. In this exploration today, I'm going to often be talking about situations where you're planning on making a big change or a leap in life, and it's time for you to break the news with others around you. However, I want you to know that many of the ideas here can be applied to different situations. You can use them for conversations that you need to have to resolve a conflict, when you need to express an opinion or conviction, or when you need to persuade someone or get them on board.
[00:03:42] What we are essentially talking about is how to prepare yourself for brave conversations when stakes seem high. When you're having to overcome some fears in order to keep going, use these practical tips to harness your bravery and step into these conversations better prepared. These tips are all designed to help you say what you need to say with confidence and in a way that feels safe and aligned with you. These tips are drawn from my experience of working in communications. I have many types of experience from my career. I've worked with reporters from major U.S. media outlets and ridden around with them in armored vehicles. I've ghostwritten op eds for board members about global events. I've written executive communications about strategic organizational direction. I've conducted interviews and written about the experiences of people who survived the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, who fled the war in Syria in refugee camps just across the border.
[00:04:50] And yet, despite all of this experience, perhaps some of the toughest moments I had communicating was when I was preparing to share the news of my big leap in life when I quit my job at age 34 to take a year sabbatical and find a new path for myself. I was afraid to share that news with my boss and my colleagues and with my parents. The prospect of moving ahead with this decision publicly was so scary that I faltered even on whether I should go through with it. It was an aha moment when I realized that I could use my communications, know how for these more personal and seemingly even more high stakes conversations. Once I realized that I was able to go ahead with these conversations, discover that my fears were often worse than reality and experience true freedom as I went ahead with what I deeply desired for my life. In the seven steps that follow. I want to share this experience with you, too. So here they are. Seven Practical Steps to prepare you for your brave conversations.
[00:06:06] Step 1. First, set some intentions in advance of your conversation. Spend a few quiet moments reflecting about why this conversation is important to you. Why is it important that you want to take this risk, and how would you like it to go? It's incredibly helpful to even visualize yourself in the conversation and consider how you want to show up. Think about where you'll be. Think about your posture, your presence. Even what you're going to wear. You can listen for your tone of voice in this visualization. How would you like your voice to sound? How would you like to come across? How would you like to feel? And what when you come out of this conversation, would you like to celebrate? What would it be? Just something that would feel good. Some measure of success for you. This prior reflection can have a big impact on you, how you enter and carry yourself through the conversation. I also recommend writing it down, which can make it clearer and more concrete.
[00:07:22] Step number two Consider the risks and possible payoffs. Here's the thing. Our minds have an incredible capacity for imagining what can go wrong. It's okay to spend a little time with what you consider are the risks and your fears. Become aware of them, but don't linger or ruminate too long on them because that is not helpful. It is helpful to know what they are and sometimes it can be helpful to think through what you will do, even if the worst of your fears come true. So that you can come prepared in advance for how you will handle it. Remember also to imagine all the positives that could come from this conversation. This is something that our minds are not great at doing. Our brain has a negativity bias, as Dr. Rick Hanson writes in his book, one of my favorites, Hardwiring Happiness. Our brains are like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. Hanson shares a practice called Taking in the Good to help you rewire your brain to take in more positives. It's an intentional practice to really help these good experiences stick. I'd recommend doing something like this when you consider risks. Too often we spend an incredible amount of time thinking about all the things that can go wrong with taking a risk. But when was the last time you noticed how you took a risk? And it turned out even better than you could have hoped. Take a little time to consider what all the potential upsides of having this tough conversation might be. Maybe you end up being closer with this person as a result of this conversation. Maybe you'll gain more confidence speaking up for yourself in the future. Maybe if you're going in to negotiate a raise, you actually get it. This happened for one of my clients recently and I love celebrating this. We practice the conversation she was going to have with her manager and with the preparation that we did, including raising her, ask amount. She got an even higher raise than she would have asked for on her own. Maybe. And this can be especially true if you're sharing your plans to take a leap, you'll come out of there feeling more free.
[00:09:56] Okay, so we've had set your intentions number two consider the risks and possible payoffs. And now step number three, create your super simple top line message. Back in my communications roles. Whenever I began a communications strategy or campaign, I would make sure that we start with a top line message where the top one, two, three key messages that we want to communicate. The way that I use this now with my clients is that whenever they need to deliver some news to someone or a group of people, we come up with their super simple and safe top line message. Let me give you an example. When I was preparing to take my year sabbatical, I dreaded telling my boss, especially as you can imagine from the experience I had in my early twenties. I shared this in part one of this episode. But essentially, I did experience the worst case experience of getting yelled at by a boss when I gave her my two weeks notice when I was in my early twenties. Now, more than ten years had passed since someone had yelled at me when I quit my job, and this boss was nothing like that one. But I still worried when I imagined telling my boss I was leaving to take a year off. Would he get mad? Would he be disappointed? Would you tell me? I was making a big mistake? Also, my boss happened to also be the CEO of my organization. So this is a conversation with someone in a very high up leadership position. So the stakes definitely felt very high. Also, this conversation was so final. Once I gave notice, it was a point of no return on my decision. Then one day as I was at my desk doing my work, drafting talking points for my boss to use at an upcoming conference, I suddenly realized the obvious. I was a communications professional. If I felt so nervous, I could write up my own damn talking points for myself. I could be in control of my own story. So here's what I did to prepare for our conversation. I made my top line message very simple. I made it easy to remember. I remembered that I didn't need to include every messy detail in my story. And yes, there were many. I didn't have to include all my doubts and misgivings, my fits and starts and all my vulnerabilities and fears. I knew it was safer to save all of those details for a few trusted friends. For my boss. I wanted a simple and positive story. I was sharing my dream in this conversation, and it was also important to protect it. So I wrote out this and then I practicing saying it. I said, I've decided to take a year off to travel. It's been a long time dream of mine and something I'd always thought I'd do in my twenties. I realized that if I don't do this now, I'm never going to do it. It worked. I remembered it easily, even with the nerves of that moment. And when I shared my decision with him in a simple, positive way, it was easy for him to support me, albeit somewhat grudgingly. Eventually he said, You know, if you want to take this time off to travel now, I'd say Do it. Looking back from my age, that's the advice I'd give you. I walked out of his office. I had given my resignation. It had gone well. And I was very. I was elated. I had handled it just as I wanted.
[00:13:46] Step number four, write some talking points. Talking points are helpful for after you share your simple top line message. These are to help you handle people's responses because people will have responses and often they have questions or even challenges. So talking points are prepared answers that people have to tough questions. They're designed generally to help a speaker stay on track in a presentation when meeting with the press or in a meeting. If you've ever watched a press conference where the president or CEO of some big company, especially the ones embroiled in scandal, is answering reporters questions. You can bet they're working off talking points prepared for them by their communications team. They keep you on track under pressure. Here's how you write Talking Points first. Write down every single question that someone could ask you about your leap or whatever you're communicating to them about. Especially write down the questions you hope they do not ask. The questions that absolutely make you cringe. For me, for my sabbatical, for example, the question I did not want from family and even well-meaning acquaintances was How are you going to get a job afterwards? Have you considered how hard that might be in this economy? So that would be one of the first ones on my talking points list.
[00:15:26] Once you have these dreaded questions down, draft an answer for each one. Again. Keep your answers simple and easy to remember. Your answers should be true and authentic and at the same time don't include so much detail that puts you in a place where you feel unempowered or unsafe. You can always choose to share more of your story later when you're ready to do so. So for my own dreaded question What about your job? What about your career? How will you get a job later and in this economy? Here's what I drafted in response to that question. I've definitely thought about that, too. And so what I did was I met with a few mentors of mine who know my work and the market well, and a couple of them are senior leaders at their company. So I really trust their judgment and they reassured me that I'll have no problem finding work again and that I can even use this experience professionally if I want to. Let me tell you, writing this talking point reassured myself, because I did take those actions and I remember specifically an instance where I used that talking point and the person took it in and they were convinced and it was like it kind of stopped the conversation there or we were allowed to go on to another topic. You know, it worked really well, so I highly recommend it.
[00:16:57] Here's one thing that I especially want to recommend when you are using your talking points. Don't get nervous and stray from your messages. You know that line, that's my story and I'm sticking with it. It's actually really good advice for those moments when people start to pepper you with uncomfortable questions that you're not prepared to answer. Don't let them rattle you. Again. Back to that press conference example. You'll notice the spokespeople will go back to their message again and again and postpone offering information that they're not ready to share. It doesn't mean that you're some evil spin doctor. If you're not ready to share some information, it's okay to keep some things to yourself. If it means protecting yourself and protecting your dreams. You need to watch out for your own safety.
[00:17:53] Step number five practice. As I just said, sometimes tough conversations can rattle us. That's why they're tough. The thing that can help counterbalance you getting rattled is having done this prep work, including practicing what you'll say you can practice by yourself, grab your simple top line message and talking points and read them aloud. You can practice by doing a role play with a friend or a coach. I'm one of those people who used to avoid role plays at any cost, but now I welcome the chance to do them and to have my clients do them because they're so helpful. Such a great way to learn. We learn the most when the stakes are higher. That's just the truth. And a role play forces you into action. Also, a trusted and candid friend can offer helpful suggestions that you might not have thought about. When I practiced with a friend for my sabbatical conversation with my boss. She offered some additional suggestions during our practice. She asked. Suppose he says he'll give you a super awesome job if you stay. Or what if he offers you a leave of absence? It turned out that my boss did try to counter offer me and thanks to my friend I was prepared for it. I graciously said no and reiterated my top line messages to him. The thing is, I've always wanted to take this time off to travel. If I don't do this now, I just don't know when I'm going to get to do it.
[00:19:27] You can also practice by recording yourself and playing it back to yourself. This can be painful for those of us who don't like seeing or hearing ourselves on camera. But again, it is so worth it. Think of it as collecting information. You're going to learn so much. Here are a few other tips. Don't practice too much. Too much is a bad thing, and it can make you sound rehearsed and stiff. And if you're being driven by an inner perfectionist or anxiety, it will make you exhausted. Practice for just a few minutes. I also find it's best for me to write down a script about the day before, and then I practice about an hour before the meeting or event for just 5 to 10 minutes. So for example, in advance of a presentation or interview, I grabbed my script and I walk and talk to myself under an olive tree outside of my office door. It feels nice to be outside and it's just more pleasurable. When I come inside, I also record myself using Zoom and watch it back until I feel like I've got it. Thanks. Goes to my speaking coach Jackie Harper, a former BBC presenter for this Zoom Self recording tip.
[00:20:39] All right. Here's step number six. Prepare yourself energetically before you have an important conversation. Do what you can to get yourself in your best energetic place. This can be having a quick dance party. This can be getting a good night's sleep. It can be taking a short walk right before it can be taking a deep breath or anything else you need to do in the moment to calm down your nervous system. It can be choosing a comfortable place to have the meeting or make the phone call wear your power suit put your lucky stone in your pocket. Dab yourself with your favorite essential oil or perfume. Do whatever rituals give you a boost because all of these things make a difference. And remember that you're nervous systems reaction to this, such as if your heart starts beating faster or you start sweating, it's because of the experiences that you had in the past. Not necessarily because this fight or flight reaction is needed right now. It's also important to remember that just because you have a nervous reaction, it doesn't mean that what you're doing is wrong or that you're making the wrong decision. It simply means that your nervous system has recorded something about this from the past and that you'll need to do some self calming to bring yourself back to this present moment.
[00:22:03] Whenever I have to quit something, I have to be aware of my own nervous system reaction because I had that traumatizing quitting experience when I was in my early twenties. So if you have a nervous reaction, first check in with yourself. Are you safe? Are you okay? It's incredibly important that you are safe, so always prioritize that. If you don't feel safe, get yourself out of there. Abort mission. If you are safe. Okay. Take a deep breath. See if you can soothe yourself. Find a friendly face or a thought to focus on. Even turn up the corners of your mouth. We can work through these moments. Listen to my conversation with Elissa Weinzimmer in episode 35 for ideas on how to work through these nervous system reactions so you can get more comfortable speaking your truth.
[00:22:56] Finally, here's step number seven, our last step. Celebrate. Whatever happens, take a few quiet moments after to reflect on how it went and always take time to celebrate and acknowledge yourself for what you did. What are you proud of yourself for doing here? What progress did you make in getting better at having tough conversations? What did you learn about yourself? In what ways did it go? Better than expected. What do you want to remember for the next time? You're about to have a tough conversation? As I mentioned before, when you pause to take in the positives, you are rewiring your brain and this can help you so much to feel more empowered and positive and capable in the future.
[00:23:45] All right. We went deep today. And these are your seven steps to better prepare for tough conversations so you can really show up more confidently and authentically yourself. Again, those steps are one set your intention, two consider the risks and possible payoffs. Three Create your super simple top line message. Four write your talking points. Five Practice. Six Prepare yourself energetically and seven celebrate. Try out even one of these ideas and you are going to see a big difference and modify them so they work for you. And so you can be brave and have those tough conversations that are fundamental to you, living a life that expresses you and your values. I had so much fun sharing these with you today. Thank you for joining me.
[00:24:43] All right, everyone, this is Lisa. And you have been listening to Leap Like Me. Thank you for joining me here in this episode. If you want an actual PDF workbook to continue to plan for your leap and how to communicate it, be sure to visit LeapLikeMe.com To get my change planner and scenario cruncher. If you enjoy Leap Like Me, please be sure to share it with a friend. We'd love it if you would get the word out. Leap Like Me as brought to you by me, Lisa Hoashi and the following amazing group of people. Editing and Production by Caroline Hull and Wild Home Podcasting, Podcast Artwork by Fabiana Parra and our incredible music this season is Marissa Anderson's Cloud Corner on the album of the same name, used with permission and with a donation to NoMoreDeath.org. Until next time, be bold and take good care.
