When "Self-Care Advice" Makes You Want to Scream
I’ve been so quiet on the blog this summer, because I’ve been busy learning ...
... about myself, about motherhood and marriage, about running a business, about the tricky balance of living in the present and also wanting big dreams.
Each day brought huge highs of joy and laughter with our children. Yet, interspersed were stretches of intense frustration and fatigue.
My internal world went something like this:
Baby keeps waking in the night… I’m so exhausted… How am I supposed to get anything done?
These little ones need me so much. There’s not enough of me.
I’m supposed to be “back at work,” doing it all … but there’s not enough hours in the day.
What have I forgotten to do? Who did I forget to email? I’m dropping the ball.
What should I be doing differently? How could I do this all better?
What if I was back in the U.S. in my old life, working 40+ hours a week and traveling? How do other mothers do this?
I’ve done so much to simplify my life, and yet even this isn’t working. What does that say about me?
When all these thoughts would get stirred up in me, my insides started feeling like a pressure cooker.
I would talk to friends about my struggles and often be offered the typical suggestions.
Take a nap.
Get more childcare, so you have more “you” time.
Go for a walk.
Book a massage!
The thing is that after you reach a certain point of frustration and anxious chatter in your head, self care advice just makes you want to scream.
I’d tried.
Self care wasn't going to have much effect until I took a look at the deeper roots of my struggles, in my beliefs, values, and my stories about me and my world.
I’m still working through it all, and don’t pretend to have it all figured out. Some things have certainly become more clear to me, though, that I can share now.
First, I’ve discovered two fundamental, internal commitments that drive all my daily efforts (and struggles, and decisions):
1) I want to be nurturing and available as much as possible to my children in the first three years of their lives.
2) I need to do my “own thing” in the world – contributing my creativity, heart and vision in a way that adds value to others.
There were times this summer, when my thinking got extreme, and I thought I must give up one of these. That I should send my baby to longer hours at daycare when in my heart I didn’t want that. Or that I should scale back my work more or perhaps even take a hiatus from it.
What I’ve realized though, is that these extremes aren’t right for me. Instead, I’m going to choose to make room for both of these commitments. I will continue forward with both, however imperfectly, however slowly.
Another important thing I’ve realized about myself: I get crazy frustrated when I can’t do things to the level of quality that I like (excellence!) or at the pace I like (fast!).
My education in self-compassion and acceptance continues every day. It really is the only antidote for my reality, where being a mother of young kids and being a creative, ambitious entrepreneur compete for a limited amount of time and energy.
Today, instead of pressuring myself to be excellent, I am practicing being authentic.
Today, instead of pushing myself to be fast, I am practicing being grateful for what I get done one day at a time.
My mantra right now is in Catalan:
Poc a poc.
Slowly. Little by little.
It’s helping. It’s opening up more space in life for peace, for clarity, and for community.
Recent blessings have included –
Finally figuring out how to get the baby to sleep better at night (his own room!)
My mom coming to visit and entertaining kids and tidying up with tireless fun and positivity
In-laws who regularly care for and feed my family with great love and affection
Friends lending me a temporary workspace in their office (thank you thank you thank you)
Conversations with friends and trusted ones
Re-connections with wonderful colleagues that are opening up exciting new business and learning opportunities
Amazing clients who inspire me with their visions and contributions for this world (in education, leadership, health, minority rights, art, music, climate change!)
This is where I’ve been, my friends. I hope that by sharing my journey with you, I can offer an idea or two that supports you in yours.
